Peanut Butter and Jelly Causes Racism?

Educators have discovered the root cause of racism in America:  the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“The Klan, school bombing and slavery.  These were all caused by peanut butter and jelly” declared the head of the Pacific Education Group, which is spearheading the move to ban the PB&J from all public schools.

Think of the shame a black, Hispanic or Somali child must feel if he is forced to eat the white man’s food at school.  I need not remind people that peanut butter and jelly is often served on “white” bread, or bread of non-color as I like to call it.  These black, Hispanic and Somali children might not eat sandwiches.  I don’t know what they eat.  I’m rich enough to afford not to live in one of their neighborhoods, thank god.  Those neighborhoods are dangerous.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them.  I have thrown out all my white bread in solidarity.

In keeping with the Pacific Education Group’s desire to end racism in America all students will now be taught that our founding fathers ate peanut butter and jelly while formulating the Constitution.

Come on.  Limited government? Lower taxes?  Paying off one’s debt?  These are racial code words.  It only makes sense that our white so-called founding fathers were stuffing their white man faces with peanut butter and jelly.

When told that peanut butter was invented in the 19th century by George Washington Carver, a black man, the director of the Pacific Education Group called Carver a “self-loathing racist.”

First off I deny your so-called facts.  Peanut butter was invented by Thomas Jefferson so he could have something to spread on his slaves when he wanted to get his kink on.  And even if George Washington Carver did invent peanut butter what does that prove?  Only that he was working for the man to keep his people down.

The Pacific Education Group’s goal of eliminating racism in America does not end with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches however.  Other traditionally white concepts such as self-reliance, the belief that hard work leads to success and rational, linear thinking have also been attacked as racist concepts.

The white man likes to tell people that hard work is the key to success.  But the system is rigged against the people of color.  They will not succeed.  The white man also likes to adhere to time schedules, as if time could be controlled.  We here at the Pacific Education Group feel that asking students of color to show up to school on time is a travesty.  Peoples of color are incapable of following a rigid time structure.  I mean, I don’t know any peoples of color.  I’m rich enough to live in a white, gated community as I mentioned before but I heard someone mention this once and it rings true.

To celebrate the end of racism the Pacific Education Group will be holding a free social event at its headquarters which will prominently not feature peanut butter and jelly.
The event begins at 1 pm.  However all guests are asked to show up at the time “their conscience tells them to.”
Breaking news:  The director of the Pacific Education Group has been arrested for shoplifting.  Discovered on her were ten cans of peanut butter and jelly and three loaves of white bread.
“I’m such a hypocrite” she told the arresting officers.  “But god I love peanut butter and jelly.  Just kill me now.  Kill me!”