Presenting vagina beer. Yes, it’s beer made using vaginas.

Ellen Scott

Presenting Bottled Instinct. It’s made using vaginal bacteria. (Picture: The Order of Yoni)

Hello, and welcome to 2016. A time when people have sex on hoverboards and you can purchase beer created from the essence of vaginas.
Yep. It’s real. Presenting Bottled Instinct. It’s beer. But made using vaginal bacteria.
Not just any vaginal bacteria, mind you. Lactic acid bacteria from the vagina of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova. Of course.
Created by vagina-themed start-up The Order of Yoni, Bottled Instinct is a beer that promises to capture the essence of femininity.
Its makers create it by taking bacteria from the vagina using a ‘gynaelogical stick’. This stick then goes to a laboratory, where the lactic acid bacteria are ‘isolated and cleaned’ then multiplied.

(Picture: The Order of Yoni)

That bacteria is then used in a culture starter kit, and is combined with water, malt, hops, wooden chips, and yeast to create the beer.
The Order of Yoni says the beer has ‘no vaginal smell or taste’, but it has been ‘flavoured with instincts’ and brewed with model Alexandra’s ‘lure’ and ‘grace’.

MORE: This woman is making sourdough bread out of her vaginal yeast

Which, you know what, is all well and good. Why not add the joy of vaginas into the fun of alcohol? Go ahead. We don’t judge.
But then you get to The Order of Yoni’s marketing.

On their Indiegogo campaign (yes, they’re trying to raise €150,000), The Order of Yoni suggests that by using a woman’s vaginal bacteria, their beer is like having a woman in beer form. By which we mean, yes, the entire campaign is very, very sexualised.
‘Imagine a woman of your dreams, your object of desire,’ reads the product description. ‘Her charm, her sensuality, her passion…
‘Try her taste, feel her smell, hear her voice… Imagine her massaging you passionately and whispering into your ear everything you want. Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer.’

(Picture: The Order of Yoni)

Ah. Yes. This bottle of beer will fulfill all of your sexual fantasies. Who need a woman when you can have sexy, sexy vagina beer?
There’s also the depressing standards for the vaginas The Order of Yoni uses for its beer production. A lot of time has been devoted to finding ‘the kind of a female whose pheromones will stay with you’.
Meaning a sexually attractive model that ‘personifies femininity, natural charm and lure.’

(Picture: The Order of Yoni)

The Order of Yoni also states that potential models offering up their vaginas for beer production will have to ‘sign a contract with high penalty for working in adult industry, sex industry, as adult actress, escort, prostitute, etc.’
Because having paid-for sex will affect the beer-making quality of a woman’s vagina bacteria. OBVIOUSLY.
If you’re not enraged enough yet, take a read through The Order of Yoni’s plans for future beers. If fully funded, they want to expand into BDSM ale, made use vaginal lactic acid bacteria of a woman with brown or red hair, and a blonde ale, using a blonde model’s vag.

(Picture: The Order of Yoni)

All of which makes us think that vagina beer isn’t actually about the beer-making benefits of vaginal bacteria. It’s just a very, very objectifying way to tell men they’re ‘drinking women’. It’s sexy, right?
Anyway. If you fancy contributing to the Indiegogo campaign, there are all kinds of perks on offer. €39 will get you a voucher for one beer and a branded glass. Other donations will get you signed posters of Alexandra Brendlova, The Order of Yoni polo shirts, and belts.
Oh, and if you donate €10,000, The Order of Yoni will make you a special beer using your girlfriend’s vagina. So romantic.